Failure

I think I can say that this experiment is a complete and utter failure. Not because I don't think that Maslow's theory is wrong, but because I think it's difficult to artificially lower yourself to the bottom. I guess, for me at least, I know where I am in life and I can't manage to trick my subconscious into thinking I'm not there. So, in reality, I guess this project was kind of trying to trick myself into getting to levels 4 and 5 by trying to achieve perfection in lower levels, which is kind of contrary to the point of the entire pyramid. I guess you either have your basic needs fulfilled or you don't. I still think that getting them filled better is probably a good thing, but it's not really a need to have it perfect.

The truth is that I'm stuck on level 3. I have issues with my relationships and I don't know why or how to fix them. I've tried websites and books, but nothing works, leading me to believe that the problem lies with me. Heck, I've even tried therapy, with ridiculous therapists who say things equivalent to "I know you're coming to me because you say you have social phobias and anxieties, but let's work on your perfectionism". First of all, being a perfectionist has nothing to do with my social phobias because I don't expect people around me to be perfect and second, I don't get to know people well enough for them to be put off by my perfectionism. As if that were a thing. In reality, if I were a perfectionist, then I'd want to be the perfect friend and I'd be way more awesome than what I am, which is someone who sits at home crying over the lack of people to talk to.

And it's not romantic relationships, honestly. I've been chasing after romance since I was 18. It's fine. It's the simplest of transactions, I think. You meet someone, you date them. They either care about you or they don't. I guess I've never held romance in high regard. It's nice if you can get it, but it's not a real necessity for me. Maybe I say that because it's never been particularly hard for me to find people to be with. I may or may not be in love with them, but I've always been a proponent of the arranged marriage. As long as the person you're with has the same goals as you, agrees to support you, respects you, wants to be with you and doesn't disgust you, I'm good. (Sidenote: you'd be surprised how hard it is to find someone who meets all those criteria.) But friends... That's what I find most fascinating.

Tired again

I think there's something to be said for not commuting. Yesterday was my first day back on the bus/train combo and today, I'm exhausted again. It could have something to do with the fact that I went to sleep fairly late because I was reading a book about giant fire breathing cats (which was awesome, by the way), but commuting definitely has something to do with it. For one thing, I have to wake up earlier to get on the train, earlier than I would if I had 15 minutes to go to work. For another, I have to sit for extended periods of time. I've taken to standing at work, which would be great if I had a raised surface. I don't. So, really, I just hunch down to work on my computer.

The bright side of commuting is that there's a certain amount of work I can do on the train. I'm not doing it right now, but that's because I don't feel like it, due to the aforementioned tiredness. And also because I'd have to call people and ask them questions in order to complete my main project for this week. I'll have to find other things to do for now.

Let's see... Other thoughts... I overate yesterday. Which was not great, except while I was doing it. I also accepted a part-time gig for 12 hours tomorrow, which makes me sad but happy. Happy because I'll get extra money. Sad because one of my days off is gone. So, there will be more tiredness.

Back to work

So, the last two days were amazing. Not commuting was one of the best experiences I've had in a long time. More sleep, more time to exercise... Perfect. Today is my first day starting up again. Hopefully, it'll work out.

Back on track

Today, because of a work thing, I finally got to sleep a little bit later and actually rest. It was glorious. The meeting was in a different city and didn't start until 12:30, so I laid around in bed, watched tv, and generally enjoyed life until it was time for me to leave. It's the best day I've had in a long time, even though the meeting itself wasn't terribly thrilling. Now, I have to work on a different thing tomorrow, so I won't be waking up at 4:30 like I normally do, but rather 7:00. I'm not sure when I became a person for whom 7:00 am was a late wake-up, but whatever. I'm grateful.


Life seems to be looking up.


On another hand, am I really that low? And on level 1 still? Sigh. But yeah, I probably am. I had an opportunity to pursue friendships and stuff at my meeting, but I was way more into the rest part than the hanging out with people thing. I even passed up money to have more time off.

Sick

Sick... That's it.

Tired

Still tired.

...

Exhausted. That's the only word for it. I am so tired. I'm stressed about everything and should probably work harder to make more money, but right now, I don't care. My entire body hurts. My mind hurts. I feel like I'm going to fall over. Right about now, I don't care whether I live or die.