I think I can say that this experiment is a complete and utter failure. Not because I don't think that Maslow's theory is wrong, but because I think it's difficult to artificially lower yourself to the bottom. I guess, for me at least, I know where I am in life and I can't manage to trick my subconscious into thinking I'm not there. So, in reality, I guess this project was kind of trying to trick myself into getting to levels 4 and 5 by trying to achieve perfection in lower levels, which is kind of contrary to the point of the entire pyramid. I guess you either have your basic needs fulfilled or you don't. I still think that getting them filled better is probably a good thing, but it's not really a need to have it perfect.
The truth is that I'm stuck on level 3. I have issues with my relationships and I don't know why or how to fix them. I've tried websites and books, but nothing works, leading me to believe that the problem lies with me. Heck, I've even tried therapy, with ridiculous therapists who say things equivalent to "I know you're coming to me because you say you have social phobias and anxieties, but let's work on your perfectionism". First of all, being a perfectionist has nothing to do with my social phobias because I don't expect people around me to be perfect and second, I don't get to know people well enough for them to be put off by my perfectionism. As if that were a thing. In reality, if I were a perfectionist, then I'd want to be the perfect friend and I'd be way more awesome than what I am, which is someone who sits at home crying over the lack of people to talk to.
And it's not romantic relationships, honestly. I've been chasing after romance since I was 18. It's fine. It's the simplest of transactions, I think. You meet someone, you date them. They either care about you or they don't. I guess I've never held romance in high regard. It's nice if you can get it, but it's not a real necessity for me. Maybe I say that because it's never been particularly hard for me to find people to be with. I may or may not be in love with them, but I've always been a proponent of the arranged marriage. As long as the person you're with has the same goals as you, agrees to support you, respects you, wants to be with you and doesn't disgust you, I'm good. (Sidenote: you'd be surprised how hard it is to find someone who meets all those criteria.) But friends... That's what I find most fascinating.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Tired again
I think there's something to be said for not commuting. Yesterday was my first day back on the bus/train combo and today, I'm exhausted again. It could have something to do with the fact that I went to sleep fairly late because I was reading a book about giant fire breathing cats (which was awesome, by the way), but commuting definitely has something to do with it. For one thing, I have to wake up earlier to get on the train, earlier than I would if I had 15 minutes to go to work. For another, I have to sit for extended periods of time. I've taken to standing at work, which would be great if I had a raised surface. I don't. So, really, I just hunch down to work on my computer.
The bright side of commuting is that there's a certain amount of work I can do on the train. I'm not doing it right now, but that's because I don't feel like it, due to the aforementioned tiredness. And also because I'd have to call people and ask them questions in order to complete my main project for this week. I'll have to find other things to do for now.
Let's see... Other thoughts... I overate yesterday. Which was not great, except while I was doing it. I also accepted a part-time gig for 12 hours tomorrow, which makes me sad but happy. Happy because I'll get extra money. Sad because one of my days off is gone. So, there will be more tiredness.
The bright side of commuting is that there's a certain amount of work I can do on the train. I'm not doing it right now, but that's because I don't feel like it, due to the aforementioned tiredness. And also because I'd have to call people and ask them questions in order to complete my main project for this week. I'll have to find other things to do for now.
Let's see... Other thoughts... I overate yesterday. Which was not great, except while I was doing it. I also accepted a part-time gig for 12 hours tomorrow, which makes me sad but happy. Happy because I'll get extra money. Sad because one of my days off is gone. So, there will be more tiredness.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Back to work
So, the last two days were amazing. Not commuting was one of the best experiences I've had in a long time. More sleep, more time to exercise... Perfect. Today is my first day starting up again. Hopefully, it'll work out.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Back on track
Today, because of a work thing, I finally got to sleep a little bit later and actually rest. It was glorious. The meeting was in a different city and didn't start until 12:30, so I laid around in bed, watched tv, and generally enjoyed life until it was time for me to leave. It's the best day I've had in a long time, even though the meeting itself wasn't terribly thrilling. Now, I have to work on a different thing tomorrow, so I won't be waking up at 4:30 like I normally do, but rather 7:00. I'm not sure when I became a person for whom 7:00 am was a late wake-up, but whatever. I'm grateful.
Life seems to be looking up.
On another hand, am I really that low? And on level 1 still? Sigh. But yeah, I probably am. I had an opportunity to pursue friendships and stuff at my meeting, but I was way more into the rest part than the hanging out with people thing. I even passed up money to have more time off.
Life seems to be looking up.
On another hand, am I really that low? And on level 1 still? Sigh. But yeah, I probably am. I had an opportunity to pursue friendships and stuff at my meeting, but I was way more into the rest part than the hanging out with people thing. I even passed up money to have more time off.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
...
Exhausted. That's the only word for it. I am so tired. I'm stressed about everything and should probably work harder to make more money, but right now, I don't care. My entire body hurts. My mind hurts. I feel like I'm going to fall over. Right about now, I don't care whether I live or die.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Stage 1-2ish
HabitForge keeps nagging me about adding a post to this blog, which is fine except I don't feel like updating when I have nothing to say. But whatever, HabitForge. I bow to your superior nagging ability.
It's odd how much time, effort and money I spend on things that are completely unrelated to my happiness. If nothing else, this project has shown me that proportionately, I'm spending most of my efforts on things that might (and it's a big might) contribute to levels 4 and 5. I'm not entirely sure how watching Korean dramas leads to self-actualization, but it must or people wouldn't spend so much on entertainment. It's got to be a level 5 need, if anything, but TV doesn't really seem to do much except rest my brain.
On that topic, levels 1 and 2 are going pretty well. As I've mentioned before, I've been taking Taekwondo and it is one of my biggest sources of joy lately. Frustrating day at work (and believe me, it was frustrating)? Kick out the aggression. Focusing on getting martial arts forms right is way more fun than getting forms right at work.
I also took a shooting class, which was also fun, but related more to security and safety. I live in a gun-nut kind of state, so knowing how to shoot is getting to be an imperative. I may eventually purchase a gun, but I have issues with being on any registry. Buying a firearm would likely increase my impression of personal safety, but will set back my financial security.
So, here's the dilemma. My quest to go up to level 2 is definitely impeding my level 1 needs. For instance, working extra to make more money is decreasing my sleep. Taking self-defense classes decreases my money. And things like that. However, it also boosts other aspects of level 1. Self defense makes me healthier and all that (other than the injured foot due to a spontaneous 5 mile walk exacerbated) and will help me actually be healthier.
It's really turning into a balancing act. If nothing else, it's casting some light on unhealthy habits that I should think about changing. I was talking to a friend tonight and all he needs is on levels 2 and 3. Those are his only issues, according to him. Which is fine. But if I lived his life, I'd be freaked out about 1 because his life is not really super stable. But he isn't. So, maybe it is more a matter of perception. Maybe there is no perfect completion of any of these levels. But by golly, I'm going to try. I have a Type A personality, so I may have something of a crazy competitive, perfectionist edge. So, Level 5 drives me in everything I do, no matter where I am on the pyramid. Maybe that will change eventually.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Stage 1 - Day who knows
Okay, I'm close to calling this experiment a failure. Not because I don't think it can work. Because I do think it can. It's just that I'm not sure I can artificially force myself to focus on one stage at a time.
For example, today, I'm tired, unhappy, hungry and generally upset. I know why I'm feeling this way and it mostly has to do with stage 3 concerns, as well as a little of stage 2. I'd like to fix it, but because of stage 2 concerns, obviously, I have to go to work. My boss doesn't really think "I'm doing an experiment which requires me to sleep more hours" is a great excuse, I'm sure. Actually, I doubt she'd notice if I was around at all, which is more of a stage 4 problem that I don't even want to tackle right now.
I suppose this is one of those things people say about the hierarchy all the time, that people can find happiness in one area and still not be fulfilled in the others. I honestly don't believe that's as true as people think, though. It's unfortunate that I don't have the option to start from scratch in life and just focus on one thing at a time, but I do think that if I did, I'd be happier. Unfortunately, when one area of the pyramid starts crumbling down, it has a tendency to take the rest of it with it. So, for me, being unhappy on level 3 has led to problems with 1 and 2.
On the other hand, maybe the problem is that I was artificially attempting to bring myself lower on the pyramid. I had problems with level 3 when I started and my ability to focus on the other things has been jeopardized by that from the start. Maybe this is the time to take stock of where I'm at in life and what I would want in order to feel fulfilled.
Level 1: Aching bones, tired and sick. I don't think I'm going to be able to get past much of this today. I need more sleep and rest in order to shake off whatever I'm sick with.
Level 2: Annoying financial things have come up lately. Primarily student loans. What's the point of submitting your IBR documents if they take 2 months to process? And in the interim, you have more student loans to pay? It's a problem. I've been doing better on physical security though.
Level 3: My lack of friends bothers me. It makes me think I have a mental illness because even crazy people have friends. Literal crazy people have people to go to movies with. I just have people who bitch and moan at me from time to time and refuse to make plans to do anything. I think I need a few superficial friends, but I'm not sure where to find them. I guess I could work on rekindling friendships with people I already know, but they're not looking so attractive lately.
Level 4: I usually look to work for fulfillment, but there's something terribly dissatisfying about having your supervisor refuse to answer your emails on a project that's due Monday. Especially when you know that if it doesn't go through, you're going to be the one to shoulder the blame and you worked all weekend and woke up early to get the stuff to her for her signature. Oh well. I'm sure she's busy. I just wish she could take 30 seconds to say, yes, please do this. Or, I suppose I could go forward and then be berated later.
Level 5: I've found this website to be super helpful in thinking about happiness. Of course, I'm not terribly happy, so what do I know? I also don't follow what the site says very well. It makes sense to me, though.
I guess the game plan from here is to spend the weekend pampering myself with sleep, good food and fluids. Then, from there, move on to level 2.
For example, today, I'm tired, unhappy, hungry and generally upset. I know why I'm feeling this way and it mostly has to do with stage 3 concerns, as well as a little of stage 2. I'd like to fix it, but because of stage 2 concerns, obviously, I have to go to work. My boss doesn't really think "I'm doing an experiment which requires me to sleep more hours" is a great excuse, I'm sure. Actually, I doubt she'd notice if I was around at all, which is more of a stage 4 problem that I don't even want to tackle right now.
I suppose this is one of those things people say about the hierarchy all the time, that people can find happiness in one area and still not be fulfilled in the others. I honestly don't believe that's as true as people think, though. It's unfortunate that I don't have the option to start from scratch in life and just focus on one thing at a time, but I do think that if I did, I'd be happier. Unfortunately, when one area of the pyramid starts crumbling down, it has a tendency to take the rest of it with it. So, for me, being unhappy on level 3 has led to problems with 1 and 2.
On the other hand, maybe the problem is that I was artificially attempting to bring myself lower on the pyramid. I had problems with level 3 when I started and my ability to focus on the other things has been jeopardized by that from the start. Maybe this is the time to take stock of where I'm at in life and what I would want in order to feel fulfilled.
Level 1: Aching bones, tired and sick. I don't think I'm going to be able to get past much of this today. I need more sleep and rest in order to shake off whatever I'm sick with.
Level 2: Annoying financial things have come up lately. Primarily student loans. What's the point of submitting your IBR documents if they take 2 months to process? And in the interim, you have more student loans to pay? It's a problem. I've been doing better on physical security though.
Level 3: My lack of friends bothers me. It makes me think I have a mental illness because even crazy people have friends. Literal crazy people have people to go to movies with. I just have people who bitch and moan at me from time to time and refuse to make plans to do anything. I think I need a few superficial friends, but I'm not sure where to find them. I guess I could work on rekindling friendships with people I already know, but they're not looking so attractive lately.
Level 4: I usually look to work for fulfillment, but there's something terribly dissatisfying about having your supervisor refuse to answer your emails on a project that's due Monday. Especially when you know that if it doesn't go through, you're going to be the one to shoulder the blame and you worked all weekend and woke up early to get the stuff to her for her signature. Oh well. I'm sure she's busy. I just wish she could take 30 seconds to say, yes, please do this. Or, I suppose I could go forward and then be berated later.
Level 5: I've found this website to be super helpful in thinking about happiness. Of course, I'm not terribly happy, so what do I know? I also don't follow what the site says very well. It makes sense to me, though.
I guess the game plan from here is to spend the weekend pampering myself with sleep, good food and fluids. Then, from there, move on to level 2.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
Stage 1 - Day 10
Fat, man. It's DISGUSTING! Also, sex should be a bigger part of the pyramid. But it's not. This could be called something along the lines of one girl's descent into madness and overweightness because sleeping and eating right wasn't a sufficient part of her life plan. Also, that alcohol is bad and makes you only see out of one eye and not that well, anyway, so it really wasn't a good idea. And also that alcohol makes you feel like you should explain to everyone in explicit detail why they shouldn't be mad at you because you're secretly awesome and even drunk, you can totally catch correct apostrophization, even though apostrophization isn't really a word, but everyone knows what you mean when you say it. And also, isn't the bloggess cool, even though you don't really want to read the bloggess when you can only see out of half of one eye.
I had a dream that my friends were trying to murder me but that's crazy because I don't have any friends, and certainly not any that would give sufficient cares ( I was going to write shits but then I thought that google would censor me because this is a google blog and I don't want to shock my one reader, even though I know it's my husband... Maybe not my husband) to murder me. I have a kind of friend who certainly couldn't be bothered to murder me, which is really sad. Sometimes, I feel like the internet would understand and then it doesn't. And it makes me very sad.
But, sex, sleep, food, temperature is what I'm supposed to be focused on. Not friends, or lovers, or husbands, so I'll just go to sleep under the assumption that that will make me feel better.
Also, I'm too fat to live. I need to work on that.
I had a dream that my friends were trying to murder me but that's crazy because I don't have any friends, and certainly not any that would give sufficient cares ( I was going to write shits but then I thought that google would censor me because this is a google blog and I don't want to shock my one reader, even though I know it's my husband... Maybe not my husband) to murder me. I have a kind of friend who certainly couldn't be bothered to murder me, which is really sad. Sometimes, I feel like the internet would understand and then it doesn't. And it makes me very sad.
But, sex, sleep, food, temperature is what I'm supposed to be focused on. Not friends, or lovers, or husbands, so I'll just go to sleep under the assumption that that will make me feel better.
Also, I'm too fat to live. I need to work on that.
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